Introduction

Of late, I have had to support the grief of others and my own. 

As we enter the dark time of the year, it's fitting to pen this article. Many seek guidance, meaning, and solace between the pandemic, world events, and general life. The recent death of a young mentee was particularly challenging for me. As a Pagan and priest, I wanted to provide rituals to honor the dead and support those left behind, even among those who were/are not pagan. 

As a contemporary pagan priest immersed in the fabric of Sumerian practices and an understanding of the teachings of the Continuing Bonds Theory by Dennis Klass, Phyllis R. Silverman, and Steven Nickman, I find unique intersections and overlaps between both traditions, shedding light on the profound relationship between the living and the dead.

This article is based on my understanding of the kispum ritual, Continuing Bonds Theory, inspired by Renata MacDougal's thesis "Remembrance and the Dead in Second Millennium BC Mesopotamia." I am not a psychologist or certified grief counselor. Those disclaimers were made; please read on.

This guideline for grief uses Sumerian theological thought processes and cultural norms alongside a rich belief system that endured for three thousand years. If you wonder what a four-thousand-year-old civilization can teach us, consider it the only culture for which we have written and enduring records in the form of cuneiform tablets (the first known writing system). They gave us foreshadowing in literature, the modern calendar using 24-hour days and 60-minute hours, the measurements of degrees and radians in a circle, the first documented author in history, the priestess Enheduanna, and much more. 

Understanding Kispum

In Mesopotamian society, kispum was a sacred ritual centered around ancestor veneration that transcended the confines of time and space. The dead travel to the kur, the underworld, an almost physical journey over or on the Hubur River and through gates of descent. All mortals go to the same underworld and have the same level of existence. The land of the dead is overseen by Erishkigal, where she serves as ruler and guardian. The kur was neither created by nor is a reflection of who she is. That story is for another time. It is a land of eternal twilight, and unless otherwise nourished, the dead feast on clay and drink dust. It is unpleasant if you don't have the living to honor you.

As an ancestral ceremony, the kispum, held on a moonless night, allowed the living to nourish the dead, bridging the spiritual plane between both existences. The ritual, involving offerings such as food and water provided by heirs of the departed to 'en-en-ku-ku' or 'sleeping lords' - figures representing the deceased - affirmed the belief that the dead moved not into a void but another plane after death. Kispum-like rituals entered other cultures and survive today in many forms. 

If you display pictures of deceased friends or relatives and have some of their favorite things in a photo, you perform a kispum variant. Ancestor veneration is common in many faiths and cultures.

A key term you may hear is pouring water, the ritual nourishment of the dead with water or beer. You are connecting from the physical to the spiritual world and creating a personal (or perhaps group) connection with a singular person who has passed on. The water is poured into the ground through a clay tablet. There are surviving tablets that date back more than 4500 years. There are equivalents across cultures where a favorite or memorable libation is poured. The word libation came from the Latin (labatio), reflecting older Greek traditions, and has stayed with us today. There are modern references to pouring liquor in Rap culture ("I tip my 40 to your memory"). 

It is too early to decide whether the collective rituals have roots in Sumer. The primary difference is the ongoing nature of kispum, whereas the others are at a point in time or on special occasions. Kispum is transformative and long-lasting. Our beloved dead become an ongoing part of our life cycle, their own continuation as a part of our environment.

Continuing Bonds Theory: Understanding Grief and Connection

The death of a loved one is a universally experienced life event that elicits a broad range of emotional responses. From the combined experience studying grief, Dennis Klass, Phyllis R. Silverman, and Steven Nickman have posited an alternative to traditional views of mourning with the development of the Continuing Bonds Theory. This 1996 theory offers a fresh perspective on grief, emphasizing the sustaining connection between the living and the deceased. I and others have posited that it is consciously or unconsciously a reconstructionist view of grief.

The Continuing Bonds Theory proposes that links with lost loved ones are not severed by death but continue to evolve and play an ongoing role in grief. Unlike other distress theories, such as the Detachment Theory, there is no forced 'letting go' or 'moving on.' Instead, the focus is on transforming the relationship with the deceased, allowing for continued interaction encompassing various emotional, cognitive, and behavioral dimensions. The foundation of transformation is woven throughout Sumerian faith, and Inanna's Descent into the Underworld is pivotal in this understanding. Only through Ninshubur and Enki's mourning, love, and connection to Inanna does she return from the kur. 

The reality of ongoing bonds is complex, individualized, and multi-dimensional. This connection can manifest in memories and dreams, sensing the presence of the deceased, talking to them, acting in ways that honor them, and preserving their memory. We preserve their memory in more tangible ways than a photo or memorial. This continued attachment doesn't interfere with forming new relationships or experiences; it coexists harmoniously.

Cultural and personal beliefs significantly influence the presence and nature of continuing bonds. In many non-Western cultures and some subcultures within Western societies, it's common to incorporate symbols or belongings of the deceased in everyday life, engaging in spiritual conversations or anniversarial rituals. By weaving these practices into daily existence, the bereaved maintain a sense of continuity and incorporate the loss into their new identity.

While some may argue that ongoing relationships with the deceased might impede recovery, our research suggests otherwise. The Continuing Bonds Theory can offer the bereaved a profound source of comfort, reduce feelings of loneliness, and even promote the reconciliation of grief. Incorporating the deceased into their lives allows the bereaved to retain a sense of their former world, essential for maintaining mental health.

From a therapeutic perspective, the Continuing Bonds Theory encourages the bereaved to discover their unique ways of connecting with deceased loved ones. Rather than advocating only accepting loss and resuming life, grief counseling underpinned by this theory explores how to adapt and sustain these relationships.

Critics argue that sustaining bonds might prevent the bereaved from accepting the reality of loss, but they may be misunderstanding our perspective. The Continuing Bonds Theory does not suggest an avoidance of acceptance; instead, it promotes the transformation of the relationship with the deceased - not its termination.

In conclusion, the Continuing Bonds Theory offers an empathetic, compassionate perspective on losing a close friend or loved one. By appreciating the evolving, dynamic nature of bonds that survive death, we can broaden our understanding of grief and support those grieving in more sensitive and meaningful ways. Embracing the enduring connection, living with the deceased instead of living without, can be a healing and integrative process, fostering resilience in the face of loss.

Contemporary Western Approaches to Grief - Understanding Detachment Theory

Detachment Theory, often attributed to the work of Sigmund Freud, posits that for individuals to navigate the grieving process successfully, it is necessary to break bonds and free emotional energy tied to the deceased. This process, dubbed 'decathexis,' allows an individual to invest that previously occupied emotional energy into other relationships and aspects of life.

According to Detachment Theory, the grieving process involves acknowledging the reality of the loss, experiencing the emotional pain of grief, adapting to a world without the departed, and lastly, letting go or detaching from the bond with the deceased. This detachment, however, doesn't mean forgetting the loved one; instead, it involves transforming the nature of the bond.

One might question why such a seeming act of severance is beneficial, especially while dealing with such a sensitive issue as grief. The answer lies in the very nature of human emotions. Detaching does not require us to erase cherished memories but reallocate our emotional investments. It helps us convert the static bond with the deceased into dynamic energy to form new bonds or strengthen existing ones.

Detachment Theory recognizes that the grieving process can be fraught with inner conflict and guilt, particularly related to feelings of loyalty toward the deceased. It acknowledges that achieving a healthy detachment can be a circuitous journey, perhaps revisited multiple times, as grief works in cycles rather than one linear progression.

Detachment vs. Continuing Bonds

Detachment Theory often contrasts with the Continuing Bonds Theory, which proposes that the bereaved maintain an ongoing relationship with the deceased, modifying its form rather than severing it. However, as a grief counselor, I have found that individuals resonate differently with these approaches, and it ultimately depends on their unique relationship with grief, their cultural and personal beliefs, and their strategies for coping with loss.

In practical terms, detachment might involve the gradual removal of daily reminders of the deceased, relocating emotional investment into new or existing relationships, adopting new roles or responsibilities that may have been previously occupied by the dead, and even new self-concepts that reconcile the past with the present.

In conclusion, Detachment Theory offers an alternative outlook on the process of grief — one that allows for the expansion of the self in the aftermath of significant loss. As grief counselors, we provide a supportive, empathetic environment where individuals can navigate their unique grief journeys with dignity and resilience, using detachment as one possible route to healing.

In marked contrast to the Continuing Bonds Theory, the contemporary Western approach to grief often encourages detachment as a fundamental healing tool. Psychologists suggest that dissociation from the deceased aids in lessening the pain attached to loss, encouraging the bereaved to 'move on' and return to a 'normal' state.

Continuing Bonds Theory: Through a Pagan Lens

While the Western standpoint may seem rational and objective, from my perspective as a Pagan priest, I perceive that the Continuing Bonds Theory offers healthier coping mechanisms for bereaved individuals in the aftermath of loss. 

In Sumer, where religion, magic, medicine, and many other aspects of society were integrated, the ritual component of life was a significant factor. In most societies with polytheistic beliefs, there wasn’t a notion of “Pagan.” The point has been made in many recent articles: faith and religion were woven into all life aspects. Death was also integrated. As Pagans, our interconnectedness to the Natural world defines us. Spirits, deities, and manifestations of energy are all around us. We process those today based on our tradition, personal path, and the lessons we learn.

Transformations and changes in connections mark death. By preserving the connections with the departed, the bereaved are still engaged in a transformative relationship. They can encounter their grief in a 1:1 relationship with the deceased. By doing so, approach a more inclusive and compassionate understanding of loss underneath the comforting shade of ancestral wisdom. It is a rich tapestry woven as part of one’s life journey. 

Individual Grief Coping

Detachment theory overlooks grief as a profoundly individual process with no 'one size fits all' solution. The Continuing Bonds Theory accommodates the individuality of grief, akin to the practice of kispum. But kispum is ritualized down to roles for family members. By migrating emotional ties towards respectful veneration, this approach fosters a dynamic equilibrium that allows the individual(s) left behind to acknowledge, internalize, and gradually learn to live with their loss. One lives with loss not through a distant lens but as an evolving relationship.

Honoring the dead, not of our bloodline. 

There are times when we honor friends or those whom we may consider spiritual ancestors. In many traditions, we revere a wider range of ancestors. They may have been part of our faith tradition (e.g., Gardenarians), our land (e.g., the State of Washington or tribal lands), or even our professions (e.g., programming – Ada Lovelace). In Sumer, ancestral lines could include the equivalent of guilds.

Energy and emotion are transformed and not transferred.

In Sumerian theology, the dead are released and journeyed to the underworld. Western and Eastern-style “hauntings” or sightings are rare. 

Malcontented dead are not hanging around. They become part of your ongoing existence. As with many friends and relatives, some days more than others. 

Pagans and others often have spiritual or geographic ancestors.

Ritual gives us and the dead comfort

Ritual implies several things, including periodicity. 

Can you overdo it?

Hopefully, grief and loss have not filled your life. Older relatives and friends pass on, and as we age, we say goodbye more often than, "Nice to meet you." Having a garden full of tablets and markers can be a burden as much as a blessing. 

The Reconstructionist Kispum

1. The Passing

In the Sumerian context, the journey of the departed to the underworld is perceived not as an end but as a transference to another plane. This understanding mirrors the essence of Continuing Bonds Theory, emphasizing the enduring connections between the living and the deceased. While Sumerians believed in the journey to the kur, the underworld, the rituals associated with kispum were designed to ensure that the bonds between the living and the dead remained alive.

See The Passing tab for the prayer

2. Honoring

The Sumerian kispum ritual was a monthly practice conducted on moonless nights. It nourished the departed and sustained the connection between the spiritual and physical realms. This nourishment, often involving pouring water or beer into the ground through clay tablets, symbolized the ongoing relationship with the deceased. The practice was not an act of mourning but a celebration of the enduring connection, an acknowledgment of the departed's continued presence in the lives of the living.

See the Monthly tab for the prayer

3. Enduring Love

Rather than severing ties with the departed, I advocate for transforming the relationship, allowing continued interactions and emotional connections. This enduring love and connection are parallel to the Sumerian belief in the ongoing existence of the deceased in the lives of the living.

Throughout the intersecting paths of Sumerian kispum rituals and Continuing Bonds Theory, the importance of fostering ongoing relationships with the deceased is evident. However, it's important to note that these rituals and theories need adaptation and a deeper understanding of our contemporary context. This involves acknowledging the individuality of grief and the personalized approaches to maintaining connections with the departed. An essential aspect of these rituals and practices is recognizing that each individual's grieving process is unique and multifaceted.

In the reconstruction of the kispum rituals, a balanced and compassionate approach is crucial. We must respect the significance of these rituals while recognizing that the continuation of bonds should not burden but rather provide solace and a sense of ongoing connection. It's crucial to balance honoring the departed and allowing the living to continue their journey without being overwhelmed by grief.

The journey toward reconstructing these rituals will involve creating prayers, designing tablets, and conducting ongoing research and development. It's a responsibility that requires dedication, respect, and a deep understanding of the significance of these practices.

For those interested in participating in these rituals or learning about these practices, I aim to develop accessible materials and resources. As a Pagan tradition, we don't have intermediaries; we perform rituals for ourselves and with the spirits. The invitation to learn these rituals is extended to those seeking a deeper connection with ancestral practices to continue the legacy of honoring and commemorating the departed within our contemporary lives.

Conclusion

To modern practitioners, the ritual of kispum personifies their understanding of death not as a void but as a translocation to another plane. By honoring the departed with monthly rituals, the existing bonds were kept alive, aiding in grief coping. In a parallel context, the Continuing Bonds Theory offers similar comfort, permitting the bereaved among us space for nurturing poignant connections with the deceased. As a pagan priest, I find the compassionate path of Continuing Bonds far more resonant and healing than the clinical detachment proposed by contemporary Western society.

There is more research and development work for the rituals. 

I will formalize a series of prayers and ongoing rituals. I have a design in mind for the tablets and am researching artists to produce them. As a follow-up question, would you like to learn these rituals yourself? As with many Pagan practices, we are a religion of clergy; we do not have intermediaries. We perform rituals with spirit(s) for ourselves. 

Click here if you'd like to schedule time to discuss your grief. 

Onward.